This is the first real time I’ve had on the laptop in quiet and now we have a net connection and tv. Martin has gone to Bible study group and the kids are off to bed right now. Cobweb has gone off sulking as she had to wear the harness to go out again. This time she was really cross with me two squirrels and a jay came into HER garden and she couldn’t creep up on them as a person was stuck to her…most undignified and not helpful for hunting. We are thinking of letting her out this saturday but I’m so worried. It’s not as if she comes when she’s called or anything….. the best thing is shaking the treat box but even then. I’m getting a disc made for her with my mobile number on it but the back of the garden is fairly close to a busy road and …well all prayers gratefully received.
I went to my moving on after moving in study today but it was one of those days and I cried or fought back the tears through most of it. EVERYTHING is different, bread, milk, holes in A4 paper, tinned beans… you name it…. I started to read the book this morning and she talked about so much stuff that I feel. It helped in some ways but not in others…. she said about not fitting anywhere right now…. ‘home’ has moved on and friends and used to us not being there… but here we have no network, support or purpose. It was interesting to me that so many women feel the same here… one woman who’d moved 300 miles hasn’t phoned friends for 6months because she cries for 2 days after. The woman who runs it says she’s now been here 5yrs and life is ….normal…. she’s happy here and yet she can remember the pain of the first few years. It’s nice to know I’m not losing my mind but that others have felt the same. The book talks about a bereavement for who we were and how we lived as well as our friendships which are bound to change. I’ve always thought that those families who live with extended families around have the right idea and that having a group of women raising children and supporting each other is a great idea. Look at the cultures where that happens and you see people brought up to respect each other…… I guess Maslow’s hierachy are met quicker in those atmospheres.
I’ve been thinking about people in the Bible who moved…mainly Jonah and Ruth but also Amos…. they had varying attitudes and I thought about which one I wanted. I said I didn’t want to end up arriving in Seattle smelling of fish…. well I’m here now what do I want? What I’d like is to be like Ruth and focus on where I am not try to move forwards with my face turned to the past. I don’t want to be like Jonah moaning about where I am and comparing. So I guess what I want is to be like both in some ways…. looking forward, making it work where I am no matter how hard it feels, valuing and retaining the best parts….relationships that mean so much to me and the family whilst not moaning. I’m not there yet… may not be for some time but I have a goal now. We talked about the importance of the familiar to women and having your own stuff around you….. still a tender area for me till the ship comes in but hopefully it won’t be long and I’ll feel like I live in a house not a distant ship.
I got out in the garden today and planted some herbs… it felt really good but I will feel better when Cobweb can come out too…. I miss having her wander around when I’m out there. I didn’t realise how much being outside meant to me I may not be the most avid gardener but being with plants keeps part of my head together and I missed it on the flat. I went to get the boys with muddy knees and dirty feet and felt more like me…… don’t say it Dad I drank plenty and had some shoes …near me!
Between the garden and Josh ‘listening’ to me online I got through …. Thanks Josh. << >>
Oh and thanks to the comments people have posted too …it’s nice to know this is helping keep me up to date with people and not just being typed into the ether.