I was thinking of starting this entry with ‘Life has been strange’ but I wonder if it is life or me or maybe both. I’ve had so much going thorugh my head that there have been times when …well I’ve wished I was six and a grown up woudl come and sort it out. I’ve had really clear memories of being asleep in a car on a journey and waking up in my dad’s arms s he lifts me from the car to the house…sorry Dad I often woke up and just enjoyed the carry. It was such a great feeling of being able to relax completely in someone elses arms that you could just sleep and know you were safe. Relaxing and sleeping have been issues for me recently. I may have mentioned the bed in the flat was nto the best…well it was awful and one night it was so uncomfortable I slept on the settee which was also not comfy but that night it won. I’ve had some wierd dreams while I’m asleep too…… don’t go analysing it anyone…. but people that bullied me in secondary schools comign to find me and other odd memories combining to leave me feeling unsettled. I’m sure a lot of it is the meeting new people …. which makes me so nervous …. all the changes at other peoples speed not ours…. and the not really having anyone I know well enough to slob in front of the tv and drink wine with… as well as the lack of decent sleep and no home.
I don’t know about most people but there is a certain period of time in which I’m ok being away from home but then it gets to me……. I get cranky, wired and sad…ask Martin! One of the hard things so far has been not having a ‘home’. Yes we had somewhere to live and now we have a hosue but home for me is not just a building it’s about familiarity and relationships and most of my relationships are back in England and my ‘things’ remain afloat for some time.
At this point I should say that Martin has been great. there are a number of reasons to say this … he reads the blog despite the spelling and grammar driving him mad, some of you guys will be happy to hear it but mostly because it’s true. I don’t cope well out of my comfort zone and it’s been hard not having contact with people..so poor Martin has had to have all my conversation …except for that I’ve dumped on Linda who has only known me a few weeks…….. he’s coped ok though. Still coming home each night and not locking me in a cupboard or anything despite my feeling lost and prickly. On the days when I’ve really struggled he has been there for me though not sure what to do and it has meant a lot even if it hasn’t shown. We are still getting used to each other again it’s been 12.5 yrs since we’ve been in the same place for this long and never with kids….. but so far we are both still alive and I have no patio here!!
I want to say thanks to those of you who have put up with my grumpy mails or even not had any…….. I can’t promise it will all change but I’m surprised by how much better I feel with our own house. Martin has said in the past I go a bit strange without human contact and in many ways it’s felt like that…… meeting people and small talk is great and I know it’s the way things start but I miss the deep friendships that gloss over my crabbiness and feel anxious meeting people when I can’t hide behind a job. It’s a monday and I should be messing about with friends watching tv, brushing hair and play fighting about the remote control…but instead I’ll be reading as we have no tv, and no women with hair except me… but I will expect to have those evenings again when my friends visit….. when I can breathe out and relax for a while. Hopefully I will be able to make new friends that are just as mad as me and you lot.
For now though I have to work out what food is the equivalent of English stuff or if the kdis will eat what we have……. supermarket trips take me so long and I leave with nothing I went for! Slowly though we are settling into a routine of sorts and with my new bed, the house and some friends I’m beginning to settle a bit…just a bit…. I am at least looking forward now not being a rabbit in the headlights anymore……. well for today…. tomorrow’s another day!